Captain's Log: Top that OZZFEST 6/13/09

I’m always puzzled as to why 80’s hair metal is so fondly remembered? Granted I wasn’t around to experience the zenith of the apparent cross-dressing zeitgeist, but for the life of me I don’t see why, or how, it caught on. Not only was masculinity equated to whom most could resemble the aborted love child of Ziggy Stardust and Liberace; but the music was comprised of corny power chords and lyrics that could cause the aforementioned love child to be miscarried. And that’s coming from a guy who loves David Bowie(Must obey the Sovereign). However despite all that 20 years later Def Leopard still puts asses in seats, Anvil has a pending film release, and Brett Michaels is, somehow, still a house hold name. Did Kurt Cobain die for nothing folks?! Well it seems some deity listens to my prayers.

The Tony Awards recently deduced that Bret Michaels would be a perfect fit in roster of celebrities that includes some of the most flamboyant names in stage drama. Hmmm…I wonder why? Hold your snickering until the end of the tour folks, trust me. After dropping his microphone, and allowing the crowd to undoubtedly recover from massive brain haemorrhaging, following his cacophonous performance “Mr. Rock of Love” got his dome ROCKED by a falling set piece.

Check it.


Leading to this



So after breaking skin at possibly the tamest award show next to the Nobel conferences to further assert his “macho” persona he issued a statement attacking…The Tony Awards. Not for faulty lowering mechanism. No! When Bret Michaels complains it’s DAMN important. Instead he claimed the award show didn’t do enough to console his superficial facial scrapes. Going on to Say "I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minnelli, Dolly Parton or Elton John the Tony’s would have at least issued a letter of concern” Michaels proves that every rose does indeed have its thorns…no matter how many headbands it wears. Yeah, dude getting into a tiff with the Tony’s? That’s FUCKING METAL!

Dyler Crews
-This has been your Captain speaking.