Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Captain's Log: Tiger Uppercut! 12/2/09

So, the horribly concealed truth about Tiger Gate 2009 finally comes to the surface; as it invariably does in all these celebrity infidelity stories. Proof positive that, barring the intervention of Joey Greco, only the common folk can successfully perform any extra martial affairs. With the press circling like bloodthirsty sharks for any chum-esque clue to Tiger's double life it was only a matter of time before this came out...

What really blows for Mr.Woods is that there's no plausible deniability at all. I mean it'd be a little better if his name was John...but TIGER?! Who else besides Sagat...


...would name their kid Tiger?

Yeah, dude. The same marketability your name gives you can also bust you big time when being unfaithful to your wife. At least come up with an alias, dude. Trust me they're awesome.

The only part I find humorous about this whole thing, because watching a family crumble is usually SUCH a stitch, is that Tiger's alleged(possibly confirmed) mistress is this woman.



Look familiar? Well, if you're a fan of VH1's Tool Academy she should. If you've never seen the show Tool Academy tries to reform toolish boyfriends into refined gentlemen for their displeased girlfriends. Guess what Jamie's boyfriend, Shawn, did to merit admission into the Tool Academy. That's right. Fuck random skirts left and right. Jamie actually left the show when she discovered Shawn had a girlfriend that predated their relationship. The other girlfriend just assumed Jamie's role and the series kept on rolling.

According to Jamie her relationship with Tiger has lasted for Three years. Which means it predated her relationship with Shawn! Making her just as bad as her tool ex-boyfriend.

I wonder if comedians who die are enlisted by God to script reality. If so George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Andy Kaufman are still as funny as they've ever been.

Dyler Crews
This is your Captain speaking.

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